Posts Tagged ‘Halloween’
MEAN: Mohagen is so fat that one time he jumped in the air and got stuck.
NERD: Mohagen is so fat that his patronus is a cake.
SCIENCE: Mohagen is so fat that he looks orange when he’s really blue.
What do you think?
Back in the early 90s, I worked as a short order cook in a Waffle House. You’d think it was the worst job and the world and, ah, who am I kidding, it sucked. But I got all the chicken and waffles a guy could eat and I met a lot of interesting people. “Interesting” is actually me being very political. I met my share of weirdoes, wackos, and strippers turned truck drivers. (There are more out there than you would imagine.)
It was at the Waffle House that I met Chance Finklestein, a “reformed” serial killer formerly of Rhode Island. When I asked him how a serial killer could be “reformed”, he shrugged meekly and answered that now he killed people only for money not for fun. I think it was a joke. But he seemed nice enough and for whatever reason, he couldn’t get enough of our #23 plate and the black death we called coffee.
Anyway, my smart alec wit always landed me on the 3rd shift which was fine because I was mad about this punkish bbw (big boned waitress) that worked nights. No surprise, it was after hours that Chance Finklestein always showed up, asking for #23 and to have his thermos filled with black death. I liked chatting with the skinny, crooked man quizzing him with details and trying to determine if he was for real or not.
I remember very clearly one evening, I made some stupid joke about killing the babysitter when he looked up, straight into my eyes.
“Kill the babysitter and ruin any hope of a future date night? Never.”
I couldn’t imagine the twisted little man actually having a wife, much less kids, but he seemed dead serious. Very serious indeed.
#2 – Monster House
Monster House is so much better than it has any right to be. I’m sorry but I hate that capture animation bullsh*t but Monster House is brilliant with its scary villain and perfect tone. I don’t think there is a wasted shot or scene. Everything can be tied back into the story as either foreshadowing or a detail that simply enriches the story more. And if you can get past the improvised dialog and the distracting computer animation, there’s a theme of wholesome Americana that can be seen in each of the children, like a Norman Rockwell painting gone wrong.
While it’s not only funny, Monster House is also genuinely hair raising and freaky WTF to boot.
If you’ve never checked it out, don’t wait any longer. It’s strange and haunting and the perfect movie for Halloween.
Poor Ryan Reynolds.
He truly is the Hollywood Halloween story.
What if you had a funny, talented good looking actor with six pack abs and he still stunk up every movie he was in?
Seriously, he’s like the male version of Penelope Cruz.
His best bet is to make a movie about a guy who is a super hero that everybody goes out of their way to leave behind. Vince Vaughn could be his sidekick – Old Man Stink!
#1 – The Hole
The Hole is the best Halloween movie for kids who can’t see R-Rated movies. Seriously, this is the best Joe Dante movie you’ve never heard of or seen. It’s Danielewski’s House of Leaves for 13 year olds.
And such a simple premise. Family moves into a new house. In the basement, there’s a hatch covering a hole in the ground. The hatch is covered with pad locks which you’ve got to admit is a pretty clear sign to stay out. Ah but kids will be kids. And once that hatch is open, there’s nothing but the abyss underneath.
Crazy thing about abysses – stare into them and they have a habit of staring back.
And whatever scares the person most that looks into the hole; yeah, wouldn’t you know it, that’s what comes crawling out.
Haven’t seen it? Well, grab yourself some Halloween candy, fire up the tv, and treat yourself to this missed masterpiece.
And ask yourself… if you looked into the hole, what would come crawling out?