Watch the 2012 Olympics and witness America’s pursuit of Bronze!  *woo*  We’re Number 3!  We’re Number 3!

Seriously, why aren’t our pothead swimmers doing better this Olympics?  It’s crushing to my family.  My little boy keeps asking me, “Daddy, are we losers?”  And what am I supposed to tell him?  The truth?  Aw hell no.  ”Nonsense,” I say.  ”That little 5’2″ Asian perfection of fitness is simply a roid monkey.  Not unlike Bane.  And we remember what Bane did to Gotham?”  My boy thinks.  ”Not… really…”  I smile, the proud parent.  ”That’s my boy,” I say.  ”Now help Dad smoke the rest of this bowl and let’s drive down the block to the 7-Eleven for some chips.”

But, seriously, America needs some sports that fat guys are really good at.  The Olympics got rid of Baseball because they’re a bunch of cry babies.  And Ping Pong is great but what America really needs is Golf.  We’ve got a sh*t load of fat guys and women in comfortable shoes that can just clean up in golf.  Oh look.  Golf is scheduled for the 2016 Olympics!  I smell Gold Medals in our future!  Now if we can just get Bowling and Texas Hold ‘Em, we’ll be set!

Wait!  That’s not Gold Medals I smell.  My boy is making brownies.  AWESOME!


UPDATE:  To all you tentacle loving freaks who have e-mailed me about pictures of Mohagen “Spanking His Cephalopod” you need to just keeping questing elsewhere.  [Best Obi-Wan Kenobi voice]  ”This isn’t the Hentai that you were looking for.  Move along.”